Grief Support Library: A Young Child's Grief

by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW

Dear Deb,

I am inquiring to you today on behalf of my 2 1/2 year old niece. Her mother died of cancer (Leimayo Sarcoma) Dec. 31, 1999. She is now beginning to comment often on the fact that her mom died and went to heaven to be with Jesus. What do you say? What do you do? We love her so. She lives with her Daddy. They are more existing than living. Daddy is having a hard time dealing with himself and the loss of his long-time best friend. My niece is not happy. She is only comfortable at my mother-in-law's house. There she has Grandma and Grandpa and her young aunt. They are dealing with the loss also, but not dwelling on it. My niece was not allowed to go to the funeral. I had mixed feelings on this. I feel that she needs some kind of closure. We tell her that her mommy went to heaven. Where is that? A two year old doesn't understand. I felt that she needed to see where mommy's body is, not just her soul. Maybe I am wrong; maybe in God's way she does understand. I would like to know how to deal with her, what to say when she inquires about her mom. I don't feel that Daddy is in the mental state to deal with this without bias and without putting himself first. I don't know if my niece is comfortable asking him. Please help. Thank You.

Dear Reader,

The death of a parent of any age is horrible but so difficult for a child. It sounds as if you are recognizing some of the delicate issues related to her pain. Your niece has lost her mother, but in a sense she has also temporarily lost her father. Surrounding her with love and facilitating her father having positive, warm experiences with her will help.

Many cities have a program or facility that is designed especially for grieving children who have lost a parent. You might explore to see if yours does.

The general rule regarding children's questions is to answer them honestly but at their comprehension level. Your niece is still probably too young for this book, but you will find it extremely helpful. "Water Bugs and Dragon Flies" (Explaining Death to Young Children) by Doris Stickney. Pilgrim Press puts it out and it can be found or ordered through any Christian book store, although it doesn't actually talk about God.

However, your niece may not have expressed her real fears yet. They may revolve around fear that her father may die, or someone else she loves or herself. She may also blame herself in some way. Listening carefully can help everyone know how to support her or reassure her. Even young children don't always know how to ask the question they really mean.

Helping her father move to a place where he can be there for her just in normal, comfortable play will help the most. In the meantime, she's lucky to have family members thinking about how this must be affecting her and caring enough to reach out.

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful question,

Deb